Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat
The book is a collection of interviews of men who have cheated. It examines how men are raised from childhood to be unfaithful and how parents play a large part in creating cheaters. It also takes a hard look at the role of the other woman as well as the tolerant wives and girlfriends. Never before has a book dealt with infidelity on such a realistic level. This is a book every woman and man should read!
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The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
The New York Times bestselling look at the real reasons for male marital infidelity and what might prevent itFew events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment from which some relationships never recover. People who think it won’t happen to them are hit that much harder when it does. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? What do men say they’re getting from their mistresses that they’re missing at home? Do a man’s
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Interesting and sad,
I bought this book last year in my ongoing attempt to understand the workings of the male mind. As I read the stories of the men interviewed for this book, I couldn’t help but wonder why these men chose to put so much time and effort into being trifling. They concocted some really elaborate schemes to cover up their chicks on the side. I mean really, wouldn’t have just been easier to remain single and unattached?
I have seen Mr. Baisden in person and heard him on the radio, and he is a dynamic speaker.
I appreciated how this book examined infidelity from the perspective of the cheating male. That’s not something I’ve seen in print before. It definitely gave me some things to thing about it.
I’ve loaned this book to a couple of friends and we’ve all had pretty similar reactions. Mr. Baisden may not be a formal social scientist, but I enjoyed reading his anecdotes and observations nontheless. Sometimes, authors can become so steeped in academia that they lose the common touch. While this book is not likely to garner any awards, it’s a worthwhile read for women, like me, who sometimes wonder what makes men do the things that they do.
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|What would you do (or put up with) just to have a man??,
I am a 22 year old college student and this book has helped me IMMENSELY….Being in a relationship with a man that was much older and expeienced at cheating taught me many of the lessons that I learned in this book, but this book taught me many more lessons that I can apply to my future relationships and also it gave me insight into the workings of the male mind.
Ladies, how many of you know that your man is cheating but refuse to do anything about it? How many of you suspect he is cheating but ignore all the signs just so you can say that you didn’t know what was going on? How many of you say that ” all mean cheat”? Have you ever provided a place for your brother to cheat with his other women? Are you the “other” woman? Well, if you answered yes to any of these questions then you are just as much as fault as the cheating man. With your help he can continue to cheat knowing that hsi partners, sisters, mothers, etc. will have nothing to say about it.
Mr. Baisden showed me how women time after time allow themselves to be used, abused, and disrespected by the cheating man oftentimes when she knows that she deserves better. Women, read this book and get your lives in order, it’s time for the cheating man to pay the piper. It may hurt at first to be without him, but in the end you deserve happiness and loyalty from a man that loves and cherishes you as much as you do him. Thanks Mr. Baisden for this wonderful book.
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|Required Reading For All!,
After reading this book, all I can say is WOW. EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS! Not only does this book tell you candidly the truth about men, how they think about sex, relationships and women, and their tricks…but it also reveals a lot about women (and the way men classify women and whom they decide to approach for what reasons), as well. Baisden discusses the four most popular groups of male cheaters (the flat-out dog, the man looking for what he’s not getting “at home” or is dissatisfied with the quality of his relationship, the “nice guy” tired of being “dogged” and the guy who learned by example from his family) and then goes on to break the women these men cheat with down into different groups. After reading this book, there really is almost nothing you won’t understand about the male mind in regards to sex, relationships and women…and if you REALLY don’t want to know or are not sure if you can handle it, I suggest staying far away from this book. I am left with the distinct feeling that there’s really no trusting ANYONE in this world, male or female, and that’s an awful feeling. That said, at least your eyes won’t be closed and you know exactly what to be on the lookout for. Chances are if you’ve been cheated on, or are being cheated on, this book will have all those telltale signs in it and you’ll recognize some of them as being in your situation.
Other than finishing this book with the feeling that there’s no such thing as a “good” or “decent” man and hardly such a thing as a “good” or “decent” woman, there are some issues with this book. There are some small spelling and grammar problems, but they don’t really get in the way and aren’t going to be noticeable to the average person. But the bigger problems include the changes in tone/purpose, the generalizations and the storytelling.
By changes in tone or purpose, I mean it seems like at different points the book serves different purposes for Baisden. For example, I got the sense that the first section WAS to reveal info to women, but I ALSO felt like it was TEACHING MEN how to get away with cheating at the same time. For example, the stories of individual men will reveal to women HOW these and other men go about cheating but the men in the stories get busted. Either at the end of the stories or afterwards, it almost always seems as if Baisden and/or the men in the stories have something to say about what that man or what other men should have done/should do in order for women to not suspect a thing if men want to cheat. One such tip is utilizing a call forwarding service so that phone calls from other women can go to a secret pager instead of the man getting calls on and being busted via answering machine or his wife/girlfriend picking up the phone. Basically, Baisden acknowledges women are smarter and very “nosy” (as if we’re wrong for it when we obviously have good reason to be), so it seems as if he’s trying to teach men how to take their “game” to a level above the average woman’s. For example, having a pager she doesn’t know about and KEEPING IT AWAY from her. Essentially, if a man is successful at this, a woman is not really going to know a man is cheating…defeats the purpose of the book…or does it?? For a woman who hasn’t read this book or hasn’t heard of these tricks Baisden teaches, it does defeat the purpose…reason #1 for why you NEED this if you’re a woman. But while he’s teaching these tricks, he will also have words of condemnation in the book for these men…? And as the book goes on, he seems even more on the side of attempting to discourage men from cheating and making negative comments about some of these men. There are other times where he seems to defend these men and/or be on their side, sympathizing with them for getting caught, even though THEY were doing wrong…as if the woman’s acting on her suspicions or asking questions was just completely unreasonable. Then there are times where it seems as if he thinks women are in the wrong for not doing what their husbands or boyfriends want them to do, particularly sexually. Basically, he straddles too many fences. I understand he is identifying everyone’s role and is not just blaming men or women, which is great, but there are times when his message just gets confusing–is cheating the man’s fault or his woman’s fault, according to Baisden? Hard to tell, though I suspect, if asked, he would say it’s no one’s “fault.” He almost seems to want to say men just can’t be faithful.
Baisden also makes many generalizations, about both men and women. I’m sure some men would object to some of the generalizations, because I object to some of the generalizations he and the men in the stories make about women, as a woman. Many of the things revealed about women and their plots for bedding men who are involved with other women, for harassing men, for holding off on sex or for waiting to call a man, are things I had absolutely no knowledge about and…
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|Catering to a good marriage?,
For ‘The Truth About Cheating’, Neuman interviewed large numbers of men – both those who had cheated and who had not. His findings? Men blame being under-appreciated by their wives and thereby being ‘emotional disconnected’. Even Neuman admits that sounds like whining and yet he moves ahead and works on that premise in order to tell women what to do to make their man feel appreciated.
In order to overcome their marital deficiencies Neuman claims he is helping wives by telling them to… always forgive him; give him sex on demand; lavish praise on him for providing for the family, rarely let him out on his own with friends or work colleagues; and take an interest in his hobbies.
The difficulty is, when does this become an act and when is it real? Is this approach manipulation? Does it put too much pressure on the wife?
Neuman writes nothing about developing a moral foundation of trust in your marriage. That is, what keeps a person from disregarding their vows to begin with? What fuels a healthy commitment to the other person whether it’s easy or not? Those are the bedrock questions that Nueman forgets.
As a result, it may feel the author’s advice ends up sacrificing the wife’s needs and desires as they defer to their partner’s needs. This might look like love, but it too easily devolves to pandering.
Neuman claims his work is dedicated to helping wives learn and change in ways that will significantly benefit both them and their husbands. That’s a worthy undertaking when it’s done together, mutually and out of a choice to care for the other person more than one’s self. However, when it’s done out of fear, or obligation, or desperation it can too easily devolve to something akin to slavery. That’s what Nueman seems to miss.
The real questions are, how do women develop and grow in genuine love for their husbands? Where does a heart-felt love come from? How does a wife choose to respect her husband and not just go through the motions? Ultimately, that’s a question much deeper that this book addresses – it’s a spiritual question.
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|Wrong Target,
Author Gary Neuman asked cheating husbands why they cheated on their wives. The husbands faulted their wives, claiming their wives didn’t meet their sexual and emotional needs…and so, felt no other choice but to get a mistress to meet those needs instead.
At first, the author says women shouldn’t be blamed for their husband’s infidelity…but then spends the rest of the book advising women to meet his needs from now on so he won’t have to cheat on her. But if she’s not to blame for the problem, why is the burden on her to fix it?
His solution is basically for wives to act more like the less complicated, less demanding, and totally accommodating mistresses these men are sneaking off to. The logic being, once she starts acting more like a mistress rather than a wife, then just like that…she’ll have successfully “affair-proofed” her marriage and transformed a self-absorbed man into a considerate man who’d never cheat on her.
The author ignores many factors, though. For one, both the author and these men acted as if these men had no other choice but to get a mistress to solve problems, but these men DID have other choices. They could’ve:
1 — Assertively asked their wives to meet their needs
If these men had unmet needs, it’s up to THEM to vocalize those needs. It is unfair to ask a woman to read his mind and play detective.
2 — Ask for a divorce
These husbands claimed they tried everything to make their marriages work, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t win. Well, if the situation were truly that hopeless — if he assertively asked his wife to address his needs, but she coldly refused to — then why stick around for that kind of abuse? Why string along someone you neither love nor feel loved by?
I’m thinking these men didn’t try as hard as they claimed. These men came across as pretty passive and quick to throw in the towel…and then they went out in public behaving like single, unattached men. So, logically if they’re going to BEHAVE like single, unattached men, then they should BE single, unattached men.
3 — Ask for a separation
A separation would allow him to date other women without lying to his wife and also give him some space to figure out what he really wants. And his wife could do the same.
4 — Ask for an open marriage
An open marriage also means he dates others without lying while also giving his wife the freedom to date others as well. If he didn’t want to divorce because of financial reasons or because of the kids, this would be the route to go. However, I suspect the reason he doesn’t choose this route is because although he’s very comfortable allowing another woman to caress his naked body…he’d be furious if another man were allowed to caress his wife’s naked body.
So as you can see, unless these mistresses put a gun to their heads, these men had a choice in the matter. They may claim they were overcome with emotion and couldn’t help themselves, but haven’t they ever been angry enough to kill, yet managed to control that impulse?
These men may also blame a broken marriage, but just like there are kids from broken homes who choose to rise above the situation, there are also people in broken marriages who choose to do the same…so that is not an excuse either.
Remember, there’s a faithful spouse in this equation. If he was unhappy in the marriage, chances are, his wife was, too…and yet she chose not to cheat. He could’ve done the same, but since he didn’t, he is 100% responsible and accountable for his decisions.
Also ignored in this book is a cheater’s character. Character is who you are when no one is looking. When their wives weren’t looking, these men intentionally broke mutually agreed upon rules regarding monogamy (without asking permission to do so or considering how their wife’s feelings would be impacted).
So then, what does that say about their character? These men all said they’d never confess to their affairs — not even if asked outright — and my guess is, it’s because they don’t want their wives probing too deeply into their character. The author doesn’t want wives probing too deeply either and so, distracts wives by having them focus on their own character instead.
However, if she did probe a little deeper, she’d realize it’s not HER actions that caused his affairs, but HIS mindset.
In trying to redeem these men’s character, the author claims they feel guilty about their affairs…however, the examples told a different story.
For example, one man described in detail how he invented business trips so his wife wouldn’t suspect him of cheating. The way he described it made it seem like he was bragging about being able to pull one over on his wife.
When the author asked him if he felt guilty about all this scheming, the man replied, “I guess…
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|This is an Intriguing Book,
This is an intriguing book with an interesting title that provides one perspective on the issue of cheating. If all men cheated for the same reasons, then a lot more women would have figured out how to deal with it by now. Since every man is different, it’s possible that every man views marriage and the marriage vows a little differently, and thus may stray from his marriage for different reasons than every other man.
I agree that a loving, nurturing wife is an asset in any marriage, but I also know from firsthand experience, that being an attentive, nurturing, loving wife focused on her husband’s happiness, does not a faithful husband make.
While I feel that this book makes some valid specific suggestions on how a wife can support her husband emotionally which is always good, I feel that being a supportive loving wife does not assure a faithful husband. In addition, I strongly disagree that a wife has the right to keep her husband from socializing on his own with male friends, one of the suggestions in the book. Unless your husband is 12, I think he has the right to socialize with whomever he chooses.
People who genuinely love each other prefer each other’s company, so genuinely nurturing that love and friendship seems like the best way to assure that the love will continue. And like another reviewer, I feel that 2 emotionally mature people who love each other have the best chance for enjoying a successful, happy marriage.
I truly appreciated the author’s male point of view and his suggestions, some of which I thought were great, but I question the basic premise of this book that there is a formula or a series of behavioral patterns a wife can adopt to keep her husband faithful.
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