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Comment on After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Jenny Miller

Jenny Miller — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 11:25:06 +0000

65 of 71 people found the following review helpful:

Help in the nick of time for me, May 31, 2008

This review is from: When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships (Hardcover)

Four weeks ago I found out my husband had been cheating on me. I was furious. I threw my husband out of the house. But I was devastated. We have three children, and I thought we had a good life. Everything seemed to be over for good. Then my therapist said something amazing. She said, "Look, he did a bad thing, but is he really a bad man?" That stopped me. I thought about our life together. He was a good man. I could always rely on him. My therapist lent me her copy of this book. I think it may have saved my life. I read it in one evening. I saw how my husband really could have been in pain even though he put me in pain.
Most of all, I saw that there were many reasons why people cheat, and most of them DON'T mean that your marriage is over. And I saw what the work was that my husband and I needed to do to put our marriage together. My husband and I have talked almost nonstop for the last two days. It's been pretty intense. But Myra Kirschenbaum's book has given me, given both of us really, the hope and understanding to work at healing our marriage.
This is one of those books that can save your life. I am so grateful for it.

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Comment on After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Dr. Susan from Chicago

Dr. Susan from Chicago — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 10:40:17 +0000

96 of 102 people found the following review helpful:

If your life has been touched by an affair, this is a great book, May 30, 2008

Dr. Susan from Chicago -

This review is from: When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships (Hardcover)

If your life has been touched by an affair, whether you're the cheater or you've been cheated on, this is an incredibly wise and helpful book by someone with a LOT of experience helping people put their lives and marriages back together.
I want to say why this book is so good, but first I have to comment on Jillian C. "Qbridge"'s incredibly irresponsible review. Jillian has obviously not read the book, nor does she seem to have any experience actually helping people who are trying to deal with an affair, nor does she seem to be interested in helping people put their lives together after an affair. If she'd read the book, she'd have seen how Kirshenbaum clearly says you should not have an affair. But you do NOT help people who've been affected by an affair by labeling the cheater as "bad." Why would any wife want to heal her marriage if her husband is by definition "bad"? Does Jillian want every couple touched by an affair to get a divorce? Yes, the deed is a hurtful mistake, and Kirshenbaum goes to great lengths to show how, if there is going to be any hope of healing, the cheater has to show that he truly understands the pain and damage he's caused. That's the kind of thing in the REAL book, not Jillian's fantasy. It was careless and dishonest for Jillian to review the words of the title and not read or review the real book.
In reality, Kirshenbaum devotes many chapters to showing how to heal a marriage after it's been damaged by an affair, and this is the best help of its kind I've seen.
Another thing Kirshenbaum does that I've never seen before and is incredibly helpful is show that there are 17 different kinds of affairs. Each one grows out of a different need. Each one means something completely different. You can't know how to figure things out until you know why you or your partner had an affair in the first place. This is what a therapist would charge big bucks for, but you get it all in this book.
And Kirshenbaum has a lot of material on how to protect the kids and take them into account.
I've had a lot of experience helping people and couples deal with an affair, and I have to say this book will give everyday folk all the help they could need. The truth is that an affair is a turning point in people's lives. There's a lot to sort out. And a lot of anger and hurt. Kirshenbaum shows how to take all this into account and do what's best for everybody in the end.

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Comment on After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Very Stuck Chuck

Very Stuck Chuck — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 09:57:24 +0000

100 of 106 people found the following review helpful:

First Hand Experience!, June 3, 2008

Very Stuck Chuck -

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This review is from: When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships (Hardcover)

This book is outstanding. It will help you figure out what you are doing and why you are doing it. Once you have figured that out, you can start to make the decisions you need to make to get your life back on track. being stuck between two relationships is no way to go through life. It is destructive and hurtful to EVERYONE involved. In NO WAY does this book try to condone the behavior of people who cheat. Mira simply recognizes that infidelity is a fact of life (75% of couples will be touched by it at some point), and the most important thing is to help people figure out why they have stepped beyond their primary relationship so that they can decide what to do next. Mira clearly distinguishes between sociopathic louts who cheat simply because they "can", and the otherwise good person who has, quite uncharacteristically, "strayed" and is now in WAY over their head in a second relationship.

The book is comprehensive but spends most of its time helping you figure out who is right for you, the primary partner or the affair partner. I think this section is outstanding, and Mira tackles a subject that few if any other authors have ever dared approach. While it is very helpful (she has found a way to compare apples to oranges!!!), I think one of the things left out (probably because it is so individual) is transaction costs. What I mean is even if you figure out (with Mira's techniques) that the "affair" partner is better for you, you still have to go through a divorce, split up money and assets, give up at least 1/2 of the time with your children, lose many of your friends, move out of the house, start your life over from scratch etc etc. How do you factor that in? How MUCH better does the affair partner have to be to justify this upheaval? Again, this will be different for everyone. Someone who has not much to lose might leave for a marginally "better" partner. Someone with a LOT to lose is only going to leave for a MUCH better situation. So in the end this is a difficult decision that should NOT be made impulsively. It should be made after careful thought and analysis, and this book CERTAINLY helps put 90% of the important issues into perspective to make this difficult decision. I recommend a good local therapist to help you out with the individual aspects of YOUR situation.

I have read the book from cover to cover and I recommend it HIGHLY. It helped me sort out my own situation. Thank god it came out in such a timely manner. Good luck with your own ordeal...I KNOW it is NOT EASY!! I have intentionally not said what I ended up doing....I remember when I first started trying to figure out what to do about my own situation I would read reviews like this and try to see who stayed and who left and tried to read into that information to see what I should do...I don't want to sway anyone one way or the other. GOOD LUCK!

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Comment on After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Anonymous

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 09:55:51 +0000

129 of 137 people found the following review helpful:

A Book of Hope for Those Who Have None, May 21, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful (Paperback)

Four weeks ago, I was told that my husband had an affair. We have been married 25 years, have two children and have survived financial crisis, emotional upheaval, death of parents, and all the other usual crises that come with a long-term relationship. For all of this adversity, I never believed my husband was capable of having an affair with another woman. The affair lasted six years and was an on and off again relationship. Perhaps had it been more intense, it would have ended sooner. He says he spent the last two years of the relationship trying to separate himself from her. But he didn't want to hurt her, and didn't think I would ever find out. He never told me. The husband of his lover did. It was a chance encounter that brought it up. He thought I knew. Now it has been six years since they have been together, but for me it has just begun. I never saw the signs, at least if I did, I denied they were there. I just thought they were friends. After I found out and confronted him, he confirmed what I heard. He's sorry and has been working for the past six years to repair the damage he caused. I knew things were better in our relationship, but didn't know why. For the past four weeks I have felt like a zombie. I'm not eating or sleeping, am easily distracted and felt like my world is falling apart. Our children don't know, but it's hard, because I don't want to tell anyone. I feel like I am drowning in grief, engulfed in a sadness and emptiness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The self-hatred and loathing I felt for myself and still feel at times is without limit. This book has given me knowledge that I am not alone, that others have experienced this and worse, and that I will survive. I keep it with me and when the feelings of pain and self-hatred emerge, begin to read. I've seen what hell looks like, and can't go there anymore. This book is truly helping me regain my sense of self and giving me a path which is guiding me out of this. My husband has not seen his lover in six years intimately. She has emailed him and called him at the office begging him to leave me and begin a new life with her. Prior to my finding out, he made the decision to leave the relationship and work to repair the damage he caused to ours. He went to a counselor who told him not to tell me. The book is helping him understand why he did what he did and is giving him the means to work on communicating this to me. He also understands how devestating it was for me to hear about it from his lover's husband. I read the first chapter and wrote notes in it to him about how I felt. He read the second chapter and wrote notes letting me know what was true for him and what was not an issue. We are both using the rest of it to discuss what happened, what we need and to learn how to have a better relationship in the future. Words can't express how helpful this book has been for both of us. We are both shocked about what happened, but with time, patience, and love I believe we will emerge from this stronger than ever. Yes, I'm, angry, hurt and feel violated. But if you both truly want to save your marriage and are willing to commit to learning what happened and how to address the issues that contributed to this tragic situation, I highly recommend this book...

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Comment on After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Lisa

Lisa — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 09:53:56 +0000

64 of 64 people found the following review helpful:

Sensible Encouragement For Those Hurting From Infidelity, May 6, 2006

Lisa (Houston, Texas) -

This review is from: After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful (Paperback)

If you've been the victim of your spouse's affair and are seriously considering sticking by him/her, you'll find this book helpful in deciding whether staying together is the right decision for you. I feel Dr. Spring focuses on helping hurt spouses decide whether to stay or go, and then further focuses on helping those who choose to stay with issues of restoring trust and rebuilding love and intimacy.

My husband cheated on me, and when I caught him, he admitted his affair. I read this book under the following presumptions: that my husband's affair is over, that my husband wishes to stay with me, and that the only hindrance to our staying together is my doubt and apprehension. If you are experiencing infidelity under similar circumstances, I feel this book will help you come to the "right" conclusion in your situation. I can only offer that suggestion as the hurt spouse, though. I don't know how helpful this book will be to unfaithful spouses. My husband will be reading it next week, so I should have him review this book when he's through.

Dr. Spring encourages unfaithful spouses to look deep within themselves for an explanation as to why they chose to cheat, and the explanations she demands must be introspective and self-centered. She frowns on the unfaithful spouse blaming others for the infidelity. She also encourages the hurt spouse to look deep within and examine whether certain kinds of conduct or interaction with the unfaithful spouse encouraged infidelity within the relationship. She doesn't ask the hurt spouse to accept blame for the affair occurring, but she does ask that the hurt spouse accept responsibility for creating an atmosphere within the marriage that may have contributed to the unfaithful spouse's desire to seek out a lover.

Some of Dr. Spring's suggestions and assumptions didn't apply to me, so I simply skipped those parts of the book. However, I voraciously read through the first half of the book and hung on every word. She focuses the first part of the book on putting into words the feelings and emotions both partners may be feeling after the affair. It was helpful to read in print the feelings I was experiencing so that I knew I wasn't the only woman in the world feeling this way. It also helped me to know how my husband might be feeling since I was too angry to ask him myself, but wanted to know how he felt about things.

The second part of the book asks you to think about your assumptions about love and marriage, and examine your own marriage in light of your assumptions (does it measure up or fail to meet your expectations?). She then guides you through some difficult questions you must ask yourself if you're struggling with the decision to stay or go. After reading this part of the book, I still felt torn in both directions, so I continued reading in the hopes that I would be able to glean more about my own decision-making process.

I'm glad I continued reading into the chapter that describes how you can begin to learn from the affair and restore trust. I found the chapter on restoring trust to be especially helpful, and it was from that chapter that I gained the greatest confidence in my decision (I've decided to stay and work on improving our marriage).

I skimmed the rest of the book on how to forgive, how to restore intimacy, and whether you ought to reveal your affair (a last-minute addition to the book for those who haven't told their spouses yet). As I said, these chapters didn't seem necessary for me to read under my specific circumstances. The sexual intimacy chapter would be helpful for those couples who haven't been intimate since the affair, as she guides you through some exercises that may help you shed inhibitions and fears. I didn't read the chapter on forgiveness in detail, figuring forgiveness will come with time, so I don't need to focus on it right now (again, restoring trust was vital to me and will be my focus for some time). I will reexamine this chapter at a later date.

If you're seeking help right now and don't know where to turn, this book is an excellent starting point. I have sought counsel with friends and family, but not professional counsel just yet. I feel more comfortable about starting professional counseling soon now that I have a grasp of the ideas and concerns we need to focus on. I didn't want to make my decision based on what my friends told me because they're biased in my favor. I also didn't want to make my decision based on my husband's hopes since he's biased in his own favor. Dr. Spring's suggestions and thought exercises helped me to decide in as unbiased a manner as possible whether staying was the right decision for me. I feel she can help you make the right decision for you if you are experiencing infidelity in a similar way to me.

Further, I checked out "Not Just Friends," but since I read this book first... Read more

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Comment on After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by lynette984@aol.com

lynette984@aol.com — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 09:25:16 +0000

213 of 225 people found the following review helpful:

Must have for couples struggling to rebuild after an affair, October 17, 1998

lynette984@aol.com -

This review is from: After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful (Paperback)

Finally! Something that has given me hope that there is a marital future after an infidelity. This book is a must have for any couples that have been shattered by the revelation of an affair. Even after months of couples therapy I was unable to validate the extreme sense of loss and inadequacy that I felt, let alone find the courage to begin the process of forgiveness. I can't even express the profound sense of peace I found from each part of this book, especially the first chapter in which everything I was feeling and yet unable to say to my husband was put into words for me. Through this book I have been able to find the positive aspect of being given a second chance in my marriage. My husband and I have been able to prioritize and communicate in order to build a more stable relationship. The simple excersises are thought provoking and worth while. In closing, I have already recommended this book to several of the people I know that have been devastated by like experiences. I relate to them the story of the first night I began reading this book and fell asleep with it in my arms crying. Not out of sadness, but a sense of release from my confusion. You won't want to put it down!

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Comment on Did You Put the Cat to Bed? by Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:17:43 +0000

the lion sleeps tonight, August 3, 2011

sweeney agonistes -

This review is from: Did You Put the Cat to Bed? (Kindle Edition)

I loved this story! Mallon, a poet, fiction writer, and reviewer for the Philadelphia Inquirer, gives us the story of Izzy, a woman who is frustrated and disappointed with every aspect of her existence. It is only after Izzy has thrown herself into a one-night stand--as a passive aggressive riposte to the inattentive husband she does not love--that objectivity becomes possible for her: "The elevator fell with Izzy in its icy light, descending farther than it felt possible to go in the highrise."

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Comment on Did You Put the Cat to Bed? by Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:44:05 +0000

" . . . her pregnancy felt scripted . . . ", February 1, 2012

Ms. Godot -

This review is from: Did You Put the Cat to Bed? (Kindle Edition)

This story accomplishes something rare in fiction: It creates a multiracial world (like ours is) in which skin color is irrelevant to a character's moral worth (like ours ought to be). The characters are just people, and the color of their skin is no more significant than the color of their shoes. The main character is just as confused as any other human being, and (like the rest of us) makes a poor choice before realizing why she did this. At the same time, though, we see plenty of humor (a would-be seductress keeps getting distracted by some dried paint on her hand) and great figurative language (a man kisses "like caramel"). Very satisfying story!

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Comment on Did You Put the Cat to Bed? by Margarite Howe

Margarite Howe — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:13:17 +0000

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Camus meets Madame Bovary, April 20, 2011

Margarite Howe (Southborough, MA USA) -

This review is from: Did You Put the Cat to Bed? (Kindle Edition)

What a quirky, intriguing story! The main character isn't looking for love in all the wrong places, but she's desperately looking for something. The story resembles French post World War II existential fiction, and French nineteeth-century anti-bourgeois fiction: The desperation of the day-to-day in her boring household, the desperation of her search for something, anything, that isn't her marriage.

Helen Mallon has created an anti-heroine driven by a deep frustration with her life. It's an interesting trope on what happens when the heart retreats, defeated, and recklessness is what makes us feel alive.

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Comment on Revenge Of The Cheating Mistress by S. Warfield

S. Warfield — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:59:27 +0000

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Something Safe, Something Free, January 9, 2012

S. Warfield (Maryland) -

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This review is from: Something Safe, Something Free (Kindle Edition)

"Something Safe, Something Free" by Janice Daugharty is a short story that deals with a white man, Willie, who used to work for a Black man, Bear, and now the tables have turned and Bear now owns the business that Willie used to own. Willie is down on his luck, going bankrupt and recently divorced. His ex-wife has already remarried less than a month after the divorce became final, and wants to take their twin girls to Orlando. She promises that Willie will have the children next weekend.

Willie is behind on payments and is going to lose a tractor. His boss calls and leaves a message for him to come in and take a look at the new tractor that has come in. The IRS is calling. His boss calls again about Willie not coming into work in the morning. He's losing his childhood homeplace where he'd like to stay, and "...broken wedges of his grandmama's dishes wash up with every rain..." tell us that he has strong ties to the home. Willie has to continue to work, though, because he has child support payments and so Bear has kept him on in the business.

There is a lot more to this very well-written short story that captures Willie's sense of loneliness and failure. He sometimes drinks his breakfast, but Bear lets it go, at least for the time being. The real disbelief comes when his ex-wife says something that Willie completely rejects.

Janice Daugharty's characters are always real and show the human condition for what it is. Willie seems like a man who could be a neighbor or a friend, losing a lot in a bad economy and finding himself working for someone who used to work for him. The reader will find the ending satisfying.

Highly recommended for those who like short stories and literary fiction.

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